Halloween in the Cornmaze
by Potions for Foxes
Summary: Envy's Halloween couldn't get worse. Sloth blackmailed him into a Sailor costume. He's lost in a cornmaze with his 4 year crush, Edward Elric, Light of My World Sexiest of All, Lacking a Third Title, freezing to death, when a man with a chainsaw arrives


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I finally have a Halloween fic. Yeah.

So this is un-beta'd. That's the scary part or trick.

The treat: Envy in a Sailor Pluto costume plus fishnet. And there's kissing…

"Remind me how this happened again," Edward Elric, Light of My World, Curer of Maladies, Golden of Goldens—okay so that last title doesn't make sense, but you need three. Just like Russell Tringham can't just be Russell Tringham, Bane of My Existence, Ruiner of Plans. That's why I added Destroyer of All Things Goode and Holy to his list. See three works. Oh shit, Ed asked me a question didn't he?

"How what happened?" I asked, narrowing my eyes. I tugged my skirt down. There's a lot of things that have happened today, and it's only—I checked my watch—nine o'clock. For one, my cousin dearest (Sloth) actually let me go to school in my Original Costume of Fucking Doom! (to Twilighters). I was a vampire slayer. Sloth likes Twilight. I like good fiction. We have many disagreements about these two topics.

At three pm, Sloth got her revenge when Lust came home from the post office. See, Sloth has this "brilliant" idea to dress me up as Sailor Pluto (the forgotten planet—I do so love my cousin). It was either that or have Edward Elric, Light of My World, see those pictures I took when he wasn't looking… Winry was with me though… she just didn't know I had a crush-crush on Ed…

"What do you think?" Ed snapped, whirling around to face me. His cape flapped dramatically. See, we could've been matching vampire slayers but nooooooo… Sloth _had_ to have her revenge (I didn't know she'd _swallow_ that fish). Now I just looked like Ed's slut girlfriend. "You, me, alone, the corn!" Ed smacked at the cornstalk.

"Uh," I said. Personally, I didn't find much wrong with the whole Ed and I alone part. Though I could see where the corn would get annoying. Especially after having spent the last hour and a half lost in this corn maze. "Well, we came here in a group—"

"Yes, I know that!" Ed ran his fingers through his hair. He was wearing gloves. Sexy. I wanted them. Actually I wanted his bare hands all over my—can't think like that because of this fucking short skirt. "But why am I alone with _you_?!"

Because Fate has decided to take my side for once?

"Because Roy and Russell want to get into Sloth's pants, Lust is at the Barn Bar, and Winry and Ling are probably making out in the corn way back there."

"Fuck you," Ed muttered, kicking at the corn.

Gladly, you got condoms?

"Why are you dressed like a girl?" Ed asked looking at me curiously. "Weren't you dressed as a vampire or something for school?"

"Sloth happened," I muttered back. Like hell I was going to tell Edward Elric the full story. Ever. Under any conditions. Okay, maybe if he was in the middle of pounding into—FUCKING SKIRT.

"Why? You should've just say no," Ed said.

"Blackmailed."

"Ah."

A pause. Then:

"What are you again, some anime slut?"

"I'm not a slut!"

"Oh really," Ed said, looking up at me with those big golden eyes of his. He reached for my leg. My breath came quicker. "Then why the fishnet?" He suddenly touched my leg. If I were an Emily Bronte character, I would swoon. Sadly I'm more of an Austen girl—err guy. I meant guy.

SNAP!

Ow.

Did he just do that?

Yes, Edward Elric just snapped my fucking fishnet.

"What the fuck was that for?" I demanded, crossing my arms. I glared at him. That was not appreciated in the least.

"You're wearing fishnet," Ed stated, as if that excused his actions. It didn't.

"So?" I said, hands on my hips. "That doesn't mean you get—"

He flipped up my skirt.

Why you—!

"What the fuck!"

"Sorry," he said, not looking remotely apologetic. "Just checking you know, make sure you're still a guy and all."

I _really_ should've just slapped him. Four-year crush and everything. But eyes—_I'm _the one who should be giving him the puppy dog eyes dammit!

I stalked off instead. This was turning into one of the worst Halloweens ever. I hated Sloth. This whole thing was her idea and this stupid fucking skirt and I already looked enough like a girl but with the skirt, fishnet (I thought they were sexy), and the boots—fucking high heels too—I looked like a slutty girl. And Edward Elric thought that was _funny_. Oh just fucking hilarious.

"Envy, wait up," Ed called out, running slightly to catch up. I ignored him. Just because I liked him didn't mean he got to look under my skirt. I stepped funny and the heel of my boot got stuck in some sort of rodent hole. I swayed dangerously and was almost back on balance, when Mr. Heroic decided to save me.

He lunged for me, to help me remain vertical and not because he could no longer resist my sexy body. Only he tripped over his own cape and barreled into me, hands out spread.

We tumbled to the ground.

Normally, I would have found the position extremely sexy—Ed sprawled over me, his hands on my chest, on my arm, my thigh between his legs, my hip against his rock hard—oh shit! that's real—his legs around mine… Unfortunately, I was really thinking about that whole thing (except for the part where Ed was turned on, part of me was thinking about that), because when Ed accidentally tackled me, I landed on my ankle and something snapped.

"Get off, get off, get off!" I shouted at him, trying to kick him away. He grunted a bit and rolled away. Fuck it hurt!

"What the fuck, Envy?" he said, looking at me like I was deranged. I gave him a look. It's not like he knew I liked him and was wondering why I wasn't arching all over him. I clutched at my ankle. It really hurt and I think I hurt a crack.

"My ankle hurts you fucktard," I said, still on the ground. He'd gotten up already and was dusting himself off. God forbid that those stupid, sexy, skin-tight leather pants get dusty. Oh the horror.

His eyes widened, almost comically.

"Envy, are you okay?" he said, kneeling beside me. I wanted to just _bite _him. Could he be any more dense?! I was on the ground, clutching my ankle, I told him it hurt, and he _asks_ if I'm okay? What sort of moron is he?

"No I'm not!" I hissed at him. He was rather close to my face. Normally, I'd be thrilled, but I'm in pain here and none has ever accused me of being an easy patient. "My ankle's probably _broken_ and I'm stuck out here with _you_, and we're _lost_!"

Ed rocked back on his heels. Good. This wasn't a good time for my first kiss. Yes, I'm fucking sweet sixteen and never been kissed. Darling isn't it? He looked at me funny. I tried not to snarl at him. Lust says it doesn't make me look particularly sane—a trait that people desire in their significant others. Which still doesn't explain how Lust has boyfriends, Greed gets women, Pride and his sweetheart, Sloth and all the boys after her, or Dante. Reaaaally doesn't explain Dante.

"Does this hurt?" he asked, poking my ankle with his finger.

"OW! Yes it hurts, okay!"

Today officially sucked.

"Well," Ed said, sounding very official. What made him the expert on ankles, hmm? "You should probably keep your boot on, it might cut down on the swelling if it's just a sprain, or it'll keep your ligaments in place better if it's a strain, and if it _is_ broken, well you wouldn't want to wiggle your foot through all that pleather."

Ooooookay, not to sound like a stalker or anything, but I would've known if Ed was planning to be a doctor or studied medicine extensively.

"The boots unzip," I said. He was still really close.

"Just keep them on Envy," Ed said, rising to his feet. I looked at him. Even if my ankle _wasn't_ broken, I wasn't going to put weight on it any time soon. It hurt. A lot. Ed sighed. "Want a hand up?"

"Yes," I muttered. He didn't need to say it like it was some horrible duty or task. I wasn't that repulsive. Even if Eddykins is straight and wants to get with my cousin (who doesn't?), holding my hand for a brief moment isn't the worst that can happen. Especially when it's his stupid fault my ankle is sprained, broken, whatever.

He pulled me up fast and if I wasn't in heel highs and he wasn't a midget, we'd be nose to nose. As it is, I tower over Ed by a good seven inches, probably more. I wobbled and he puts a hand around my waist to steady me. Oh Hell no.

I put a hand on his chest, keeping him at a distance.

"Look," I said, "I know you're overwhelmed by my sex appeal, but please Elric, have some class." I felt very proud of my comeback. It was cool and didn't make me seem desperate or worse, easy.

He laughed.

Like it was _funny_ or something.

"Sure, sure," Ed said. He turned serious when he looked at me again. "Can you put any weight on it?"

"No," I said. My ankle was fucking throbbing already. I didn't want to think about what wandering about this stupid corn maze for another hour or three would do to it.

"Ah, worth a try," Ed said. His hand was still around my waist. I was going to fix that. You know, eventually. Like when we moved out of this minefield of gopher holes. It'd be just my luck to slap Ed's hand away and fall over. I'd probably even sprain or break my other ankle.

"So," I said, "Got any better ideas?"

"Lots actually," Ed said. Great, now Edward was feeling talkative. We spent most of the maze in irritable silence, punctuated by Ed's angry chuntering and hand waving. But now that I'm injured, he's become quite the social butterfly. Fucking Elric.

"First off, that's the North Star." He pointed at the sky. "So, if the barn is east…"

"The corn maze surrounds the barn," I pointed out. I didn't want to go tramping off in the direction of some stupid star. That's how Christianity got started.

"Oh," Ed said. "We should keep moving."

"Why?"

"Because then we won't freeze to death."

Thank you, Edward for reminding me how cold I am.

"Right," I said and shivered. There's something wrong with the fact that Edward Elric, the one with the cape, leather pants, waist coat, cravat, tailcoat, gloves, and fucking top hat, is the one worried about freezing to death.

"Can you see the barn at all?" Ed asked. I shrugged.

"Why don't you look?"

He glared at me.

"The corn is unusually tall in here," Ed said, scowling.

"No it's not," I said. That's the most retarded thing I've heard all day. The corn is the same height all over. It's fucking corn. It's all the same fucking corn. There's no difference in the corn. That's part of the point of a corn maze. It all looks the same.

"I can't see the barn."

Oh? Oh! OH! Right.

I tried to see above the corn. I couldn't either.

"Neither can I."

"What if I get up on your shoulders—"

"I have a fucking broken ankle!"

"Fine, get on my shoulders!"

"Oh Hell no, Elric! This is just part of your stupid and transparent ploy to look up my skirt!"

"Why would I want to look up your skirt!?"

"I don't know! I'm not the pervy skirt lifter!"

"I'm not a skirt lifter either!"

The full implications of that didn't register with me right away.

"You didn't seem to have any problem flipping _my_ skirt up!"

"That was _your_ skirt! It's different!"

"No it's not!"

"You're not a girl!"

Just because I wasn't a girl didn't mean he got to treat me like a whore.

Yeah, the not skirt lifter thing still hadn't sunk in…

"So!? That doesn't mean you get to flip up my skirt! I'm not a whore!"

"Well no! But it's a pretty good reason to want to!"

Okay, sadly the reason I didn't yell back wasn't because I finally understood; I just didn't have a good comeback. Then I thought about it. What did me _not_ being a girl have to do with Ed _wanting_ to lift my skirt up? Maybe he liked chicks with dicks or dudes with boobs.

"You're into trannies?"

"NO!" Ed shouted. He made a frustrated sound. I still didn't get it. "I'm GAY!"

Whoa.

Wait a minute.

Edward Elric, Light of My World, King of Wet Dreams, Prince of … Porn? (yeah still need to work on the third title…), was gay?

As in there was a chance he could be—

"No you're not," I said, trying to back away from. This was just a really cruel joke he was playing on me. Sloth had told him or Winry had figured it out and then he all thought this was a joke because there was no way—

"Yes I am," Ed said, looking mulish. "I'm gay."

"No, no, no, no, no."

"Yes. I like guys, not girls, not transvestites, not hermaphrodites, _guys._"

"No."

"I am gay."

"No."

"I like other guys."

This was some sort of a dream.

"Prove it," I said, rather desperately. I clutched at a stalk of corn to stay upright. This wasn't really happening.

"What do you want me to do?" Ed said then smirked. He looked so sexy. "Suck you off?"

Not in the skirt!

No, no, no! Shoo mental images, shoo!

"Hmm," Ed said, approaching me like he was stalking prey. I swallowed hard. It was _really_ sexy.

"Hey, where's your crucifix?" I asked quickly, hoping he'd just stand still so I could think about what was going on (and maybe pinch myself).

"I'm not a vampire _slayer_," he drawled out. I pressed myself up against the corn. The husks rattled with my nerves. This … was completely unexpected. Ed leaned in close and…

"But I am a—"

The noise of a chainsaw revving up made us stop. I started shaking. Sure, I got the whole corn maze thing, with people trying to scare you and all, but Sloth had made me watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre last week.

"I can't run," I whispered to Ed. He'd been there for the movie. Sloth had invited him, along with all her other friends. All of who left before _that_ movie… leaving me and Ed alone for a very awkward movie (because there was no way I was going to scream in front of him).

"I'll carry you," Ed offered, leaning closer. I flattened myself against the corn.

"I'll just slow you down," I whispered back. We heard insane laughter. He was getting closer. Edward leaned closer to me and put his hands on me—one hand around my shoulders and the other hand under my ass. I couldn't move. He was still leaning in and my first kiss was going to be in the stupidest place possible.

"Boo!" the man with the chainsaw shouted as he lunged around the corner. I screamed. Ed yelled and scooped me up in his arms and took off, crashing through the maze.

The maze all looked the same. Wall of corn after wall of corn flashed in front of us as Ed turned this way and that. The noise of the chainsaw was still following us as Ed dodged corn and pumpkins and fake spider webs. I clung tightly to Ed. I buried my face in his neck. I didn't want to see how close the chainsaw man was to us.

Suddenly we turned a corn and were met with a dead end.

"I guess this is—"

Ed paused and set me down. I wobbled and leaned up against him. My ankle was hurting like a bitch and now that I wasn't scared completely out of my mind I could begin to appreciate the _excruciating _pain.

"Come on," Ed hissed, pulling me through the cornstalks. I hobbled after him. Like Hell I was just going to stand out there and wait to be killed. He stopped once we were a few feet into the corn.

"Need help sitting?" Ed asked. I shook my head. I was stubborn. I attempted to kneel, which turned into a semi-controlled collapse when I made the mistake of putting weight on my foot. Ed sat beside me, pulling me close. I gave him a look.

"It's warmer under the cape," he said, wrapping said cape around me. I shrugged and snuggled into him. Because he was warm. And gay. And he put his arm around my body, drawing me closer.

The silence was oppressive. I bit my lip. You could hear the crickets.

"I'm really sorry about your ankle."

"When did you know you were gay?"

Okay, now the silence was oppressive _and_ awkward. I giggled a little.

"It's okay," I said, rubbing my nose against his collarbone. "Once Greed and Pride convinced me I could fly if I believed it enough. So I jumped off the hayloft and broke my arm." I did not add that Wrath had done it too and we were both wearing Dante's Nashville performer outfits (circa 1980)…

Ed laughed. "Winry convinced us all to go swimming in mermaid outfits once," he said. "Roy was Prince Eric and had to save everybody." He paused. "Are Greed and Pride your brothers?"

"Pride's my older brother. Greed's my uncle. He and Pride are the same age."

Dante's inhuman fertility has always embarrassed me.

"Oh," Ed said. I want to ask my question again. When did he know? How long has he known? He tilted my chin up and looked me in the eyes.

"As for how long," Ed whispered leaning closer, "Since I was fifteen." My eyes were wide. Ed's sixteen now. How could he not know for fifteen years? I've always known, somewhere, in the back of my mind that I was different (and not because my mom was named Avarice). I just never found girls attractive. Ever. They were just friends. I've known for almost seventeen years (No, I was not held back, my mom just started me late. I had the chickenpox and couldn't go to school…).

And regardless of how I'm almost a year older than Ed, not to mention taller, he leaned in—

"I've never kissed anyone before," I said, burying my head in his shoulder. There, I said it. Now he knows and I just ruined my chance at getting kissed. Fuck me. Ed giggled and I looked up to glare at.

"It's not funny," I said. He just smiled and brushed my hair out of my face.

"Don't worry," Ed said, leaning in closer. "I've kissed before."

"But I haven't! and what if I'm bad!?"

"Envy, just shut up," Ed said, pressing his lips against mine.

"No, no, no! I'm not having my first kiss in the middle of a corn field with a broken ankle and—!"

"Envy, I just kissed you."

"Yes, but," I protested. Ed brushed my hair again. He pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth.

"Just shut up," he said, kissing me on the lips. I didn't move at all. "Just kiss back," he suggested. I opened my mouth to protest and he _licked_ my lips. "Yes, just like that." Ed pulled me down, pressing my body to his and I could feel him through his ridiculously tight pants.

I broke the kiss and pulled away. I had standards.

"No," I hissed at him. "I am not going to have sex with you in this corn field." I paused for effects, intent on continuing my speech.

"SEX?!?" Ed shouted, scooting back quickly. "You think we're going to have SEX?!?!"

"That's where you were headed!" I shouted, sitting up.

Ed turned a cherry red and tried to stand up. I lurched forward and FUCK!

"You weren't complaining!"

"What the fuck do you think I'm doing now?!"

"Look, fucktard," Ed said, yanking me close to him. Fuck, that was sorta sexy… but he was still going to… "We're not going to have sex. We're high school students."

As if that made it any less likely.

"High school students don't have sex," Ed said, in answer to the stunned look on my face. I didn't know people that innocent existed. Made you wonder what he thought about teen pregnancies. He sighed. "Your ankle's probably broken. We should get you out of here." He rolled free of me and offered me a hand up. I took it and leaned down to kiss him.

Ed looked at me strangely. "I thought you didn't want to."

"Not in a cornfield." Or a house, or a hotel bed, or the couch, or the backseat of the lousy car we all know you're going to buy junior year and be ridiculously proud of, or in high school. Summer before college… maybe.

"Boyfriends?" Ed asked, smiling at me. I grinned back at him.

"Boyfriends."

Edward Elric, Light of My World, King of Wet Dreams, Boyfriend. That had a nice ring to it.

End.

Happy Halloween you guys!


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